Wednesday, 14 May 2008

Feel the fear

We headed off to one of our usual home ed hang outs this morning. It was quiet. Some folk were camping, some were unwell - some were just AWOL! Those who were there still all seemed to enjoy themselves though, we did despite the fact that we had to pass on our usual jaunt to the park afterwards because our packed lunch was still on the kitchen bench, doh!

Back at home Nana got on with her crocheting, Hermione with her nifty knitting. Miles and I pottered in the garden.

The blossoms are falling from the apple tree and the grass is littered with petals. They look so pretty and disguise the hen poops beautifully!

I sat down on the deck and realised there was a bee crawling right beside me. I must have just missed it. I'm not sure who had the lucky escape - it or me? My first instinct was to move away. I've been scared of bees since being stung as I picked laveder as a child. I can still remember that evening as if it were last week. Thankfully I didn't jump up and run today. I remembered that next month I'm going on a weekend course to learn how to keep bees. As I understand it I will be expected to handle parts of the hive - an inhabitted hive!

Sitting next to the bee, crawling ever closer, the title of a book I bought years ago, (but never have read), flashed into my mind - 'Feel the fear but do it anyway'. I don't know if the book is any good, but I like the title and I hope that ths is what I'll manage to do with the bees.

Oh, and I don't just mean friendly looking bees like this...

..I also mean big bumbling swarms like this.

Changing the subject completely here, to something else that's buzzing around my brain a lot of late, I've been thinking more and more about a need I seem to have acquired - a need to be part of the working world, to make money, to feel a certain amount if independence.... I'm not sure where this need has arisen from. It's certainly not like I'm stuck for things to do. Parenting is undoubtedly the hardest 'job' I've ever done. I just feel the need to grow inside. To stretch myself in different directions. To create something more than 'what is' right now.

Having said all this, my profession, (as was pre motherhood), holds no appeal to me now. Although still a law abiding citizen, the legal process just doesn't do it for me anymore *grin*. I've thought about homeopathy, but although I am deeply fascinated by it and would struggle in my day to day life without it, I can't imagine running a practice.

I want to do something creative. I want to work with my hands. I want to join the skills we have within our household and do something together. I'd really like to set up an online store to sell the woollen creations we make - bags, waistcoats. bowls, decorations etc.

I guess the only thing that is holding me back is the fear. The fear of our creations not being 'up to scratch', the fear of failure, the fear of disapointment.

Wandering along, looking at the hawthorn blossoms which seem to have appeared over night, I realsied this afternoon that if I don't, 'feel the fear and do it anyway', in relation to lots of things, I risk missing out on many opportunities.

Have you ever tasted fresh hawthorn blossom tea? I did for the first time last year. It's delicious.


Wobblymoo said...

Must be something in the air, have decided in my incapacity I want to do something. Don't wantto earn a fortune just be able to do something to keep my mind busy, oh and I'd quite happily be a patient and I know a few others that would your services .

Claire said...

Yes, there must be something in the air lol. What lines were you thinking along?

If you do know of anyone who would be interested in anything I could have to offer, (not sure I've phrased that well), then please drop me a line.

cosmic seed said...

If you did go down the homeopathy route I'd use you too.

Claire said...

You've got me thinkng now ladies :-)